MM

I couldn't allow myself to dwell on it.

That was the conscious decision.

Something about how it took years to build up trust and only a few seconds to destroy it.

But trust wasn't the issue.

It was that she didn't seem to care at all.

It had always been an up-and-down kind of friendship and the truth of it was that I had never quite expected to fizzle out as had been the case.

A polar relation and it ended in silence.
From the closest friends, from long drives and shitty TV shows.
To sarcastic well-wishing, to spitting words and overdosing too late in the night, too early in life.


Years later, when I got tired of the effort, when it was too much trying and not enough reward, never any give-back, when I gave up.

There's no emotion in it any longer. We have both moved forward in our lives, found others to replace that place in our hearts. I am okay with it. I am at peace. There is no hurt, nor does any ache disturb my sleep at night. It just happened; life happened. We grew busy and dedicated time to what was important. To what we believed was important.

The mood only strikes when my mind wanders to the past. When I think of what had once been. What was good, what got ruined by a crush, what we rejected, what angered her, what we reconciled, what was good again, what were all the ways we changed yet still fit, and what slowly but unmistakably passed us by as she found solace in an old boyfriend and I found passion in intellectualism and hallucinogens.